Kull the Conqueror. Why the hell do I do this to myself? The lie-to-myself answer: I am watching as many different movies as I can to broaden my movie repertoire. The truth: it was starting as I flipped by the channel, and it was mercifully short. Now that the truth is out in the open, where do I go from here?
Kull is crap, start to finish. Raffaella De Laurentiis' attempt to match her late husband's success with her own
Conan fails in every way imaginable. There's something to be said about a movie that knows it's being campy and gives a wink to the audience, but
Kull not only winks, it flails its arms around and shouts at the top of its lungs, "I"M A SILLY SENDUP OF
CONAN!!! COME ALONG FOR THE RIDE!!!" Man, this was a dumb movie. Kull (the character) wants to be Conan so badly it's ridiculous. This is supposed to be a sword and sorcery hero's tale, and the script has so much colloquial language and ripoffs of classic cinema quotes (listen up for Vader. Really) it's almost impossible to watch. Mix in an inexplicably metal soundtrack, and this recipe of failure is complete.
Starring Kevin Sorbo (yeah, HE's the star) as Kull, he is just awful. You know you're a bad actor when Ah-nuld the Governator could out-act you without a script. 90's babe staple Tia Carrere is the villainous sorceress after Kull's kingdom, again overacting using nothing but her cleavage. Also appearing, unfortunately, are: Harvey Fierstein, Thomas Ian Griffith, Sven-Ole Thorsen, and Karina Lombard. Yeah, I said the same thing: WHO?
Avoid this pile of s**t. It's bad, bad, bad. It is not the worst movie ever, and for that I can at least award it a point or so. 1/10.
See you tomorrow, and GO WATCH A MOVIE!!! Not this one.
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