Day 249: "It's a pity the law doesn't allow me to be merciful."

Not being a follower of theatre, musicals, or Andrew Lloyd Webber, I was never really interested in seeing Les Miserables.  Having spent some time in London, however, I could not pass up the opportunity to see the musical in the West End.  I was unimpressed, it struck me as boring, confusing, and ultimately: pretentious.  Funny thing, all of those words are the ones I still use to describe "Big Theatre."  The movie popped on TV to day, and, being exhausted, I just left it on and succumbed to the inevitable.  The 1998 movie actually made sense of the story to me.  The film actually includes a major chunk of Valjean's life that's not in the musical.  That might've helped in trying to tell the story Mr. Webber.  Taking place over decades, Les Miserables is the story of one man paying an enormous price for the crime of being horrifically poor and hungry.  Jean Valjean steals a loaf of bread, and winds up paying for it for decades following due largely to the obsessive-compulsive pursuit of law officer Javert, who cannot let him go.  Seriously, man....it was a loaf of bread.  Talk about a serious misappropriation of resources.  This is simply the surface of the story, and you mus simply see the movie to catch it all.

Liam Neeson plays Valjean, Geoffrey Rush is his nemesis Javert, Claire Danes is his Valjean's adopted daughter Cosette, and Uma Thurman is Cosette's doomed mother Fantine.  The film is incredibly well acted, if a bit slow in places, but the performances make up for those bits.

If you'd like to know the story of Les Miserables this is the most easily accessible, short of actually reading the book.  I liked this a lot more than I thought I would, but it's still not something I would actively choose to watch.  I guess laziness kind of paid off here.  Give it a shot, you might like it.  7/10.

See you tomorrow, and GO WATCH A MOVIE!!

Day 248: "Run from me and I will tear apart the mountains to find you!"

Being a fan of the original Arnold Conan the Barbarian, I was absolutely loathe to see the 3D film that was being passed off as the franchise reboot.  I hate being right as much as I am.  The 2011 release of Conan the Barbarian was worse than I thought it would be.  Lackluster action, a non-existent plot, terrible acting and everything not nailed down on the set being thrown at me in 3D was more than enough to trash this movie.  This has to be the most uninspired Conan I've seen, and I've seen Conan the Destroyer.  The character of Conan is supposed to full of passion and rage, this one just sits and smolders until it's time to draw his enormous sword and hack through waves of enemies.  YAWN.....  Conan's parents are once again slaughtered, and young Conan enters into a life of misery until he has the opportunity to pursue his vengeance.  IN 3D!!!!!!  Awful.  Even the effects are mediocre.

Hawaiian-born beefcake Jason Momoa stars as Conan.  Meh.  How could the filmmakers forget that Conan is from a northern climate, and cast a Samoan linebacker?  Whatever.  Ron Perlman is Conan's father, putting little effort into the part.  I really don't feel like insulting the rest of the cast here, so I'll move on.

Conan the Barbarian is just lazy, bored filmmakers regurgitating their favorite movies from their youth using the most recent, fad technologies to jazz it up.  I gues the biggest issue for me is the fact that Conan actually has lines to deliver.  The original let Arnold loose as Conan, and kept his mouth shut (seriously, in the whole movie he's got about 15 lines total).  Skip this and watch Arnold in all his glory.  4/10.

See you tomorrow and GO WATCH A MOVIE!!

Day 247: "You are absolutely powerless!"

Yet again I delve into the Blair Witch school of horror film making as I chose to see Paranormal Activity this evening.  Honestly the best thing that directors have taken away from Blair Witch was making the decision to invest in a tripod, because the stories have gotten so much better.  The idea of utilizing a "normal" or "safe" environment and then injecting suspense and horror into the public's mind, inside of that environment, is a much more effective tool for terror than huge and gory effects (although I love those too).  The "real world" setting and lack of flashy effects forced me to use my imagination, and that helped to make Paranormal Activity one of the scariest movies I've seen in a while.  A couple has moved into a home together, and a series of weird events start happening: lights get mysteriously switched on, doors closing of, seemingly, their own accord.  The boyfriend is skeptical and sets up a camera to try and capture these events as they happen, which is at night while they sleep.  We later discover that the woman has felt a "presence" and believes that something is trying to harm her.  The things get nuts.  I have to admit, I will put the ending of this up in the top pantheon of horror endings, as it creeped me out to no end.  My bedroom door will now remain shut.

First time director Oren Peli had an equally rookie cast for this movie, Katie Featherston and Micah Sloat as the tormented couple, not so coincidentally named Katie and Micah.  The two seemed very immersed in the roles, and really looked and acted deeply scared by the end of the movie.

Alfred Hitchcock once used a cooler full of champagne bottles to convey a building of suspense (Notorious, also one of his best movies), and Peli uses the time on the video for the same effect, only when the timer returns to normal, it's go time.  I love when the simplest things are effectively used to build a sense of impending doom: two musical notes, in Jaws, champagne bottles in Notorious, and a digital timer here.  I was not expecting this to be as scary as it wound up being, and for that, I applaud.  7.75/10.

See you tomorrow, and GO WATCH A MOVIE!!

Day 246: "..if I do not produce the whereabouts of this man she said she will kill a memeber of my family every week until I have none left."

In the same vein as such films as La Femme Nikita, Colombiana is the tragic tale of a life gone in the wrong direction.  Written by Luc Besson, who has made a career of telling the story of women forced into a life of assassination, Colombiana only differs in the details.  A young girl witnesses the murders of her mother and father, who have been betrayed by the drug lord that they have been serving.  She narrowly escapes with incriminating evidence against said kingpin, and uses this to immigrate to the United States and goes to live with her uncle, himself a strong arm/assassin.  She learns the trade and becomes a social chameleon, weaving in and out of situations and avenging the deaths of her parents.  In true Besson style, she becomes involved with a man who wants to know all about her, but she is secretive and he becomes suspicious.  She also has an overly diligent FBI agent who has been tracking her "progress" across the country.  This is a very derivative movie, but it is exciting nonetheless.

Zoe Saldana is wonderful as the adult Cataleya, but the young actress who plays the nine year old Cataleya, Amandla Stenberg, is magnificent.  She showed such amazingly raw emotion during the entirety of her ordeal, that I believed she may have actually gone through this.  The movie also stars Lenny James as FBI agent Ross, Jordi Molla as Marco, the assassin hunting Cataleya, and Michael Vartan as corrupt CIA agent Delanay.

La Femme Nikita is a superior movie, but that is not to say that Colombiana is bad.  There needed to be a bit more action for my taste, and the adult Cataleya is a bit one dimensional, but the film holds up as a very good, modern action movie.  Her first assassination is particularly cool.  8/10.

See you tomorrow, and GO WATCH A MOVIE!!

Day 245: "If you come back in, I'll hit you with so many rights you'll be begging for a left."

Apologies for the late blog, but my internet "provider" failed in their single purpose last night.  Anyway, after 243 days, I finally have gotten to a Chuck Norris movie!  1985's Invasion U.S.A. is, to be completely honest, an awful movie, but DAMN was it fun to watch.  This was like a spoof movie that didn't know it was supposed to be a spoof movie.  This was set in the twilight of the Cold War, so the Soviets and Cubans were still the bad guys du jour.  Financed by cocaine deals, a Russian militant decides to stage the first actual physical attack on U.S. soil in over a century.  He attacks, not only America, but its institutions as well.  This guy has the utter nerve to attack a mall in deep in the throes of the Christmas shopping season.  THE HORROR!!!!!  Watching this, I couldn't help but laugh at the way everyone in it took it so seriously.  This was so awesomely bad, I couldn't help but like it. 

The filmmakers really didn't need chuck Norris in this, as his beard was probably the toughest thing in it.  Chuck does his usual ass-kicking job here as Matt Hunter.  As his evil alter ego, Richard Lynch (forever cast as the villain) plays Mikhail Rostov.  The two glare hard at each other and try to out-tough their underlings by doing more and more horrible acts. 

Invasion U.S.A is as ultra-right wing as action films get.  If only the filmmakers had injected a bit of humor....oh well, I'll take what I can get.  A lot of bloody violence, a lot of revenge for attacked American pastimes and institutions and a whole bunch of Chuck Norris machismo make or a really fun movie, assuming you don't take it seriously at all.  7.5/10.

See you tomorrow, and GO WATCH A MOVIE!!

Day 244: "According to all official reports, Apollo 17 was the final lunar mission."

Apollo 18 takes on the sci-fi/horror genre in a fresh way, and succeeds tremendously.  Filmed to look like NASA archival footage, and put together in a very similar fashion to The Blair Witch Project, Apollo 18 demonstrates how a movie can be constructed very simply, with a solid story, minimal effects, and good acting.  the film posits that after the final "official" Moon mission, the American Department of Defense sets up another mission.  Shrouded under the ever popular "national security' excuse, the three astronauts are unable to tell even their families that they are, indeed, going to the Moon.  Once there, the two who actually land on the Moon discover what the DoD had known all along, and I ain't telling what it is, see for yourself.  The way the movie is set up, using a mix of actual archival footage and combining it with the scenes that the filmmakers shot for this movie is what makes the story successful.  Using the inherent loneliness and barren landscape of the Moon turns it into its own character.  Apollo 18 comes off as a haunted house movie in a strong way.

Starring Warren Christie, Lloyd Owen and Ryan Robbins as the astronauts, they do a great job in the cramped sets that make up the lunar lander and command module.  This movie makes those particular ships seem much smaller and claustrophobic than they appeared in Apollo 13, which is quite a feat.  Just a great job by the actors to convey, not only the horror that they encounter, but the desolation of being in a situation where there is absolutely no chance of rescue.

A very tense and edge of your seat thriller, Apollo 18 was very effective in its purpose.  Every time the camera view changed, I was waiting to see something, ANYTHING.  The tension builds very methodically, but the last fifteen minutes were astounding.  My main point of contention with the film, as with any documentary style movie is this:  If this was a "lost" or "unofficial" mission, A) why was it documented? and B) How was the filmed footage recovered?  Minor quibbles, but I'm a curious guy.  8.25/10.

See you tomorrow, and GO WATCH A MOVIE!!

Day 243: "You don't need Carol Anne! I can lead you into the light."

There's honestly only so much I can say about really bad movies.  The higher the number after the title, the worse the movie generally is, and in the case of Poltergeist 3, it's triply true.  There are no insults I can possibly hurl that would not be a repeat of something said about any other atrocious movie, so I will abstain, and make this a short, sweet diatribe.  This was crap of the highest order.  There is nothing that can possibly be said to redeem any part of this movie.  I hated everything about it.  In order to keep Carol Ann away from the creepy Reverend Kane, Her parents send her away to live with her aunt and uncle in a Chicago highrise.  The plan fails, Kane gets her, ghosts are everywhere, and most shockingly, everyone involved has the nerve to be surprised.  UUGH.....

Tom Skerritt, Nancy Allen, Zelda Rubenstein, and a very young Lara Flynn Boyle star here, not that it makes the movie any better.  Heather O'Rourke returns, again, as Carol Ann, only her innocent charm from the first movie is long gone, and she is just awful.  Perhaps the most tragic thing about this movie was that O'Rourke died from a mysterious illness as principle photography was wrapping up; either that or she died of shame.

It's been a while since I've subjected myself to a truly horrible movie, so I guess I had this coming.   Poltergeist 3 is terrible from beginning to end and not worth even considering as an entertainment option.  Burn every copy you can find.  0/10.

See you tomorrow, and GO WATCH A MOVIE!!