Remember when you were young, and you would watch a movie, then see something similar advertised, then go see that "other" movie, thinking it would kick ass because the first on like it was awesome? When I saw The Road Warrior in 1982, I was totally blown away. I'm talking about the kind of blown away that I had previously reserved for greats like the Star Wars movies. Later in the year, I saw a trailer for Metalstrom: the Destruction of Jared-Syn and thought to myself, "This looks like The Road Warrior, I need to see this! OH MY GOD, it's in 3D too?!?! (I was young). It's gonna be amazing!!" My buddy and I pined for this movie, but by the time it was released, it had faded to an obscure, forgotten corner of my mind. Having recently stumbled upon this on Netflix, I thought it was high time for me to relive a bit of my youth and finally watch Metalstorm. Boy, that was the biggest kick in the crotch trip down memory lane I have ever experienced. This was a total and utter turd from the opening credits. I wish I had seen this when I was a kid so I could have forgotten about it by now. Everything about this movie was low budget and even lower production values. At only 82 minutes long, it felt like it went on forever. Horrendous pacing, elementary school level writing, the worst special effects I have seen outside of and Ed Wood movie, and acting that would.....words don't exist to describe how bad that was. A Mad Max ripoff to the bone, this thing just fails epically where the Mel Gibson movies succeeded. The car chases looked like they were shot at 20 MPH, and, of course, I will not go into the attempted 3D.
A very early job for Kelly Preston, it's really difficult to tell that it's even her (lucky girl). I'm just glad somone decided to give her another shot after this monstrosity. Mike Preston, fresh off of his turn as the nomad leader from The Road Warrior (yet another reason I wanted to see this), is just awful as Jared-Syn, the villain. I can't even decide what makes him the bad guy in this movie, other than the fact that everyone says he is. The rest of the cast is ultimately forgettable, even with appearances from Tim Thomerson and Richard Moll.
Just absolutely God-awful, I've seen better film on week-old pudding. Thank goodness I missed this as a youth, the emotional scarring would still be there. Mark, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for talking us out of going to see this as kids. As an adult, I can now process my feelings on how bad Metalstorm: the Destruction of Jared-Syn truly is: it is one of the bottom 5 movies I have EVER seen. It's only redeeming quality is that it was better than Crank: High Voltage, by a hair. I really need to start avoiding movies with colons in the titles. 0.25/10.
See you tomorrow, and GO WATCH A MOVIE!!
No comments:
Post a Comment